How you can tell you're lying to yourself

I've been going through bit of a rough patch.
I've been very angry lately, and it's been taking a toll. It's been taking a toll on me, and it's been taking a toll on the people I love.

Sometimes, when someone feels threatened or scared, they put up a facade, a false front, and they pretend that's who they are. Sometimes, you wear that front for so long that you start to believe it's you.

But that's when things start to become uncomfortable. You see yourself talking to people in a way you normally wouldn't, and your worldview begins to shudder in an abstract way; you can tell something is wrong, but you're not quite sure why everything seems distorted and time ceases flowing in the patterns you remember. It's a clear upset, but you're too busy holding the facade to notice the damage.

I realized recently I've been putting up a bit of a "tough front." I experienced some pains I wasn't ready for, and instead of taking them and reacting to them, I rejected them and held them off by charging forward like a bull. That's not the best way to handle it.

I've been playing myself off as being more aggressive than I actually am, and for a little while, I was determined just to blaze through this last semester at community college in the least social way possible. That's a bad idea, and if I want to move forward in my life in a constructive way, I can't hide in plain sight by setting my gaze to a glare and hoping everyone leaves me alone.

So, I'd like to make two statements about myself. One of them will seem silly, but it's important to me. The other is not silly, and it needs to be taken seriously.

So first off: I'm a huge softy, and I don't hate people. I say I hate people, all of the time, at least a few times a day, but that's a lie. I really do like and care about people, and denying this is likely a defense mechanism to keep from feeling hurt when someone uses my kindness and takes my compassion and plays it like a game. Or when I'm treated like dirt every shift by customers at work.

My second statement is huge, and it's going to require some linking to back it up, unfortunately. I identify as bisexual. This means I'm attracted to both men and women, as well as people who don't identify in the gender binary.

I have a feeling some people may read this and say "no, you're not. You're just confused. You've never even been with anyone before. How would you know?"

This argument has always seemed easy to unravel to me. If you're asking this question, you are assuming that the default sexuality for humans should be straight or heterosexual.

If you're looking for a great jumping off point to understand bisexuality, or proof that it exists (because bi-erasure is a problem) here is a great feature article on it from the New York Times.

Bean out.